Friday, May 17, 2013

quiz

One of Cheryl’s Crazy Dreams or Part of Last Night’s NELAArt Short Film Series?
(With apologies to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.)
  1. Italian students march in lockstep through a lecture hall to turn in their ballots before realizing the election is a fraud.
  2. Cats, rats and ferrets wage species warfare on the roof of an apartment building.
  3. A young woman hikes through the snow in search of a lost parent.
  4. A girl’s mother grooms her to be a prize-winning knitter.
  5. A couple tries to hide a runaway German prostitute in their garage during a dinner party.
  6. One bookshelf-lined attic stands in for three different apartments.
  7. A woman is reunited with her elementary-school crush on a bus trip to Mexico.
  8. A man with a handlebar mustache tap dances.
  9. Residents of a small Chinese village develop bizarre mutations as a result of pollution.
  10. Best friends are subjected to body cavity searches in a South African prison.
Like this, but bloodier and with ferrets.

Cheryl’s crazy dreams: 2, 4, 6, 7, 9
NELAArt Short Film Series: 1, 3, 5, 8, 10

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

this just in: exercising is good

Kim is my hypochondriac idol because, despite years of panicking that she had ALS and getting checked for cancerous moles every six months, she is now getting a PhD in public health. Way to flip the script! Take that, hypochondria!

On good days, I think that being diagnosed with cancer might have done the same for me: The thing that I thought was the end of the world wasn’t. On bad days, I’m still a nervous wreck.

Kim and I have gone to a few seminars for breast cancer patients at USC’s medical campus. She gets course credit, and I get a vague sense that I have some control over my life. Much of the last three years of my life has been about relinquishing control—realizing that things haven’t worked out because life is random, not because I failed (not that there’s anything so wrong with failing, and I’ve done some of that too).

So it actually takes me by surprise to learn that I can control something beyond what I’m wearing today and what I’m eating for dinner tonight—the two areas I let my mind wander to instead of daydreaming/worrying about the future. But here’s what we learned at yesterday’s seminar: Studies have shown that exercising reduces the risk of recurrences in estrogen-positive breast cancers by twenty-five to thirty percent.

That’s huge, right? And that’s not some Self Magazine factoid twisting a vague statistic about pomegranates being good for you into a recipe for a pomegranatini. That’s actual science, as communicated by doctors, who said, “Well, some studies say fifty percent, but they weren’t as rigorous. The good studies say twenty-five to thirty.”

Just remember: Don't prevent cancer and drive.
The oncologist and kinesiologist on hand also said that it’s been hard to separate out diet from exercise, since the studies are usually linked to body weight. Estrogen feeds my type of cancer, and estrogen is stored in fat cells, so most of my health choices right now have to do with what Tig Notaro referred to in her now-famous cancer stand-up routine as “my forced transition.”

My glee over possibly being able to exercise my way to permanent remission was tempered by a picture of my future self as manly, with thin head-hair due to hormone therapy, extra body hair due to hormone therapy, a couple of extra pounds due to hormone therapy and a big hump on my back due to osteoporosis brought on by early menopause. Add that to my nine surgery scars and weird radiated skin.

At least the body hair and peasant blouse conceal the scars.
But all the more reason to work out and try to look hot, right?

I’ve exercised semi-regularly since I was five—even when I was a teenager and ate a half a loaf of bread and a box of Snackwells pretty much every night, I still had to step-clap my way through cheer practice every day. I’ve had periods of slackerdom, but they’ve never lasted more than a month or two.

Still, I like a reason to renew my resolve, and yesterday I found myself vowing: four times a week, no less. Lift weights, go to the hard yoga class, work my way back to circus class.

Then I started worrying: If AK and I manage to adopt a kid, won’t exercise be off the table for a while? But isn’t part of the point of trying not to die of cancer so that I can have a kid and, added bonus, watch him/her grow up? (At times my bargaining gets whittled down to just wanting some little crying thing to think of me as Mom for like fifteen minutes before I keel over. But mostly I’m more hopeful/greedy than this.) So if we have a kid, can I relax because I’ve reached the finish line? Or will that be all the more reason to work out and keep cancer at bay?

I’m guessing the latter. I’m guessing my workout routine would wilt for a while, then inch back up again. I used to worry a lot about never writing again if I had a kid, but after going through various personal hells, I realized that 1) when writing goes away, I don’t care and 2) it comes back. Exercise is probably the same. The human brain has a natural triage approach to life. And the self, like the kind of cancer no one wants, is resistant to all interventions.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

to the lighthouse: radiation therapy and you

And to think, it used to just look like a phallic symbol.
This morning I had my first radiation appointment. No actual radiation was involved—they put some waterproof stickers on me and took pictures to make sure they don’t radiate the wrong person or the wrong body part (is this an issue?), and ran me through that big medical donut, the CT scanner.

Before my appointment, I finally cracked Radiation Therapy and You, a pamphlet I grabbed at my consultation with Dr. Chen back in January. It has a picture of a lighthouse on the cover, with a beam of white light aimed at the horizon. This picture is both serene and disturbingly accurate.

Here’s what’s inside. (I’m paraphrasing.)

Hi! You’re reading this because you have cancer. Just wanted to remind you. In this guide, you’ll find many facts that will help you through your treatment.

Q: What is radiation therapy?

A: Radiation therapy is a cancer treatment that uses radiation to do therapy. Against cancer.

Q: Who gets radiation therapy?

A: You do. Because you have cancer.

Q: What does radiation do to healthy cells?

A: Nothing good. It’s fucking radiation.

Q: What type of radiation will my doctor prescribe?

A: Your doctor will prescribe the type that he or she feels will work. Sorry, we don’t want to get all science-y here.

Q: What side effects will I experience?

A: You will experience the type of side effects that you will experience. Remember, every patient is different, and we don’t want to get sued. Also, your psychotherapist is discouraging you from having expectations.

Q: But really, what side effects will I experience?

A: Diarrhea, fatigue, hair loss, mouth changes, nausea, vomiting, sexual and fertility changes, skin changes, throat changes, urinary and bladder changes, and other.

Q: Other?

A: Have you seen Spider Man?

Q: How should I take care of myself during my treatment?
  • Don’t wear lotion or deodorant to your radiation therapy session. 
  • Don’t use sunscreen. 
  • But don’t get any sun, either. 
  • So, just stay inside. It’s not like you’re the life of the party these days anyway. 
  • Stay away from children, as you are basically a walking Superfund site, not to mention depressing to small innocent people who don’t yet know about all the shit life has in store. 
  • To combat fatigue, try not to do anything. 
  • But make sure to exercise, cook healthy food, floss, quit smoking, bathe frequently and grow your own aloe vera.
Q: Are there any extra humiliating things I should do?

A: Use a saliva substitute to moisten your mouth, wear a wig, clean your rectal area via something called a “sitz bath” and purchase some adult diapers.

Q: Are there any permanent side effects of radiation?

A: Permanent and long-term side effects include:
  • Skin that looks like Megan Brockelsby’s mom’s—-you know, who used to chain smoke in her tennis skirt and cracked bare feet while waiting for Megan after school? 
  • Super powers* 
  • Cancer**
Q: What happens after I’m finished with radiation?

A: You will need to meet with your radiation oncologist for the rest of your life to check for cancer—-the one you were treated for and new, ironic cancers caused by cancer treatment. Oh, you’re in the system, honey.

Q: Um, this is all kind of terrifying. Is there anything I can do to cope with the emotional effects of cancer treatment?

A: Try taking a walk or closing your eyes and imagining a peaceful meadow.


*Rare.
**Not as rare as you’d like.

Monday, May 06, 2013

the burrito-lover’s guide to vegan-adjacent-ism

It’s been two weeks since I made the bold decision to kinda sorta* be a vegan for, you know, a little while. Last night I dreamed I was in some unnamed war-torn country in which bands of guerrillas charged down the street, setting stores on fire and yelling, “Revolutionaries go to that side of the road, conservatives to that side!” Whichever side you picked, you got shot.

In the dream, I was looking for a good gelato place.

So, I guess you could say there’s a lot I would do for dairy. I miss lattes and Greek yogurt. And without fish, soy, eggs or milk, it can be hard to get enough protein. I’ve been eating a lot of beans and nuts. If you are imagining a pot of red lentils soaking on my kitchen counter, great, keep imagining that. I’m imagining it too. They’re organic and I got them at my local famer’s market! I brought my own container, so no plastic was involved!

Just don’t imagine me at Leo’s Mexican Food ordering a bean and cheese burrito, hold the cheese, while my grandma—in a bright teal poncho—gets her picture taken with the mariachi band.

Cinco de Mayo: when white people dress up as Mexicans, and sometimes, also, Mexicans dress up as Mexicans.
(Recently a poet I like a lot, Craig Santos Perez, posted this picture of his fridge. The food is gorgeous and social-justice-y and earth-friendly. Amazingly, there is not one thing—not even one organic thing—wrapped in plastic. Apparently when Craig isn’t busy writing books, traveling the world and fighting injustice, he pickles his own vegetables, or maybe trades poems for vegetables someone else has pickled. Even his milk is in a GLASS CARAFE.)

Surprisingly, I don’t miss cheese that much. Don’t get me wrong—I love cheese and I will taste it again. But when my burrito doesn’t contain a brick of it, I feel less disgusting afterward. Who would have guessed?

I have, however, been putting guacamole on pretty much everything. Burritos, veggie burgers, bread. Also, after chowing down at book club on Saturday, I swear I had a hummus hangover.

Kale (yes, kale) with avocado and TJ's Cowboy Caviar salsa. Ready in five minutes.
I visited Sprouts, the slightly cheaper version of Whole Foods that opened near my office, last week and bought some lentil crackers because they sounded interesting. They were labeled gluten-free.

Jamie looked at the box. “Are you trying to avoid wheat?” She is, a little bit.

“Lord no,” I said. “There are so many things I’m not eating right now—fish, dairy, soy, alcohol—that I’m giving myself free reign with wheat. And caffeine.”

Avocados and coffee: my advice for the vice-loving vegan whose liver is still detoxing from chemo. But this weekend I’m going to have such a big fat cocktail.

I’ve been cooking a fair amount, which is a great stress reliever, even in my imperfect, lots-of-packaged-stuff, un-Craig-Santos-Perez-like way. Here are a few things I’ve made:**

Toast totally counts as cooking.

Whole wheat vegan pancakes.

TJ's seaweed ramen with added veggies.

There's a (non-soy) veggie burger under that bun. And guacamole, of course.

Barley, potatoes, carrots and leaks. Barley is my new favorite carb.

Here are a few things I haven’t made:

Macaroons are totally dairy-free. They ARE, okay?

Leftover Noo Deli noodles from Fred 62.

I got the kind without frozen yogurt, because I'm hardcore like that.

Disturbingly named kiwis, especially when pictured alongside a young Asian girl.

Cereal. Always cereal. And I know I need to bleach my grout, okay?

Always, always cereal. With almond milk and Ripe & Easy kiwis.

*Permissible loopholes: milk in coffee, eggs in baked goods, a little square of butter in pans. And when the woman ahead of you in line at the taco stand asks whether the beans are made with lard, don’t listen to the answer. 

**I didn’t use any pretty Instagram filters, so this is the food porn equivalent of a grainy home video of naked people with a lot of cellulite.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

states of wonder: teen film prodigies and what i read in april

1. just imagine the horizontal plane as facebook

Margot, my church therapist (not to be confused with my regular therapist, couples therapist, physical therapist or radiation therapist), was talking about the horizontal plane and the vertical plane. The former is the everyday stuff, the latter is the sublime. They intersect and form a cross, she said, unless cross imagery makes you uncomfortable. People at All Saints are always apologizing for sounding too Christian.

Fabulous jewelry doesn't make me uncomfortable.
The good thing about Shitty Life Events, she said, is that they break you open and allow you to access the vertical plane, where God and Jesus and Buddha and the best book you ever read live.

I mean, she said, the horizontal plane is still valid and important. Some people live their whole lives there. (And when I studied Margot’s amazing preppy angora cardigan, I believed that she had an investment in the horizontal plane.) But they’re missing out.

Of course I wanted to take this as Proof That I Was A Better Person than all those people out there getting what they wanted. But back when I was getting what I wanted more regularly, I didn’t like the implication that God was on Team Shitty Life Events. I mean, I think the point is that God is on Team Everyone, but sometimes we see our team captain more closely than other times.

2. lords of covenant house

Tuesday night AK and I went to a mini film festival at Covenant House, the shelter where our friend Laura teaches a film class. These are all kids who’ve had more than their fair share of Shitty Life Events. Some of them had the excess fat or pungent body odor to show for it. Most of them, I think, had the wisdom—because in order to stay aboard the tight ship that is Covenant House, they have to stay off drugs and go through a lot of programs. These were the kids who put the “open” in being broken open.

The first film was a documentary in the spirit of Lords of Dogtown, by a guy named Eduardo. He wore big plugs in his ears and wrapped his wrists in leopard-print fabric when he skateboarded on the Venice boardwalk. He grew up in SoCal but moved to Mexico with his mom after his dad left, when he was thirteen or fourteen. In Mexico, kids called him a fag and tried to fight him. They associated skateboarding with homosexuality and Satan worship. Not that there was anything wrong with homosexuality, Eduardo told the camera, but he believed in God. He went to church. Not that he was a Christian or anything.

Not Eduardo. Not a Satan worshiper. Possibly a homosexual, I don't know.
But there was the time when he was sixteen and put a gun in his mouth. When he was working up the courage to pull the trigger, he looked at the skate poster on his wall. He saw an angel in the shadow next to the poster. God wanted him to live. To keep skating and drawing. He showed the camera a notebook with an illustration of a face with flames flaring out from its angel head.

He closed the film saying, “One life, one love, one God, hang loose.” He stuck his tongue out.

The other films included:
1) a giddy love story to editing software called A Day in the Life of a Teleporter
2) a meta-film in which a serial killer offed everyone on set
3) a very short film of someone running backward
4) footage of a black girl with bright purple eye shadow performing a Wiccan moon ritual and chanting, “I love the Goddess and the Goddess loves me”
5) a film about a girl and her mom arguing in the bathroom, dedicated to Tyler Perry

…and my other favorite, ‘90s Babies, in which all these kids in their early twenties waxed nostalgic about WWF, Pokemon and Resident Evil the video game.

“You would hear the crushing and the squishing,” one guy said wistfully.

They remembered That ‘70s Show and how their dad used to berate them just like the dad on that show. I wondered if it was the equivalent of children of the seventies getting nostalgic for American Graffiti.

“If you didn’t grow up in the nineties, you don’t understand how we think,” one kid said.

Except I think I do.

And then the credits rolled as “Gangnam Style” played in the background.

3. here is what this eighties* baby read in april

The Pigman by Paul Zindel: It's easy to see why this became a classic of the young adult genre. I suspect it was ahead of its time in depicting adults as highly fallible and teens as carrying on rich inner and outer lives below the radar of the authorities. Although some elements are charmingly dated (like using @$#! for "hell" and a subplot about rotary phones), the voices of narrators John and Lorraine are timeless. AK said the juxtaposition makes the novel feel oddly Canadian--relevant and fresh but just a little off. I was especially impressed with the ending, in which the young narrators contemplate how their parents aren't awful so much as worn down by the harshness of life. They know this will be their fate too, but with luck they'll maintain a little of the Pigman's magic.

American Born Chinese by Gene Yuen Lang: Yang tells three narratives grounded in varying degrees of realism: At one end of the spectrum is the seemingly autobiographical story of Jin, a Chinese-American kid whose FOB-ish BFF alternately supports and embarrasses him. At the opposite end is a folktale of the Monkey King, who denies his simian nature to achieve godlike status. In between is a white kid named Danny, who is visited yearly by a mysterious stereotypical cousin, who is Chinese in the "me play joke, me go pee-pee in your Coke" tradition. Yang's illustrations have clean lines and comic-style pops and zaps, with the Monkey King's thread being the most vivid. Although the thematic parallels are evident from the start (each protagonist struggles with identity and shame), Yang weaves the strands together graphically and narratively in unexpected ways.

State of Wonder by Ann Patchett: So many elements of this book are tough to pull off: fictional Amazonian tribes? Miracle cures for infertility and diseases? Plot developments that result from incredible coincidences? Not to mention the whole "American learns about herself while encountering the third world" thing, which can be straight-up racist in the wrong hands. But Patchett is so good with mundane details, and builds her world so slowly, that by the time the crazy shit happens, we've drunk the Kool-Aid (or eaten the magic blue mushrooms, in this case).

As always, everything feels so real and multifaceted that the point of the book seems almost superfluous, but it's there--and it's about the inevitability of hard choices, I think. In a world that is one big, delicate ecosystem, delaying parenthood has consequences, curing malaria has consequences, teaching a boy to drive a boat has consequences. But the only way to really live is to stare unflinchingly at all of it, as the protagonist learns to do--in her own way--from her wizened mentor.

Final note, which contains speculative spoilers: Did anyone else think Marina was pregnant at the end of the novel? You know, because the trees started repulsing her and stuff?

On a vision quest with Ann Patchett.
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton: I can see why this is a classic: It was one of the first YA novels to depict teens with tough, working-class live, and it's full of dreamy bad boys with hearts of gold. But even though S.E. Hinton could write circles around my sixteen-year-old self and should be lauded as the prodigy she was, it still feels like a first novel--on-the-nose dialogue, improbable events and a loooottt of time devoted to describing the boys' looks and tastes in snack food. There were a lot of sentences like, "People say I'm good-looking because I have golden hair and green eyes, but I think my eyes are more gray. Soda, he's the good-looking one, like a movie star." Either there's some underlying homo-eroticism (and I'm sure there is in any real gang) or S.E. Hinton was crushing out on her characters. Not that I blame her.

menudo & Herb by Myriam Gurba: There is an odd satisfaction in good bowel movement, and these short, punny, offbeat poems have a similar effect. They're as silly (and sometimes dark) as nursery rhymes, but once in a while you have to dig to "get it." And sometimes the "it" is a finger that points back at you and says, "Ha! You were looking for me?! I'm a pot of fool's gold!" As with most of Gurba's writing, there are refrains of the sexual and racial and scatological. Her irreverent approach opens up the possibility for dialogue, although it's hard to see this as a text in any _____ Studies class. And I mean that in a good way.

Here's a typically atypical poem, titled "On the Plate Between Mashed Potatoes and Turkey":

In Little Armenia, they serve tiny baklava and Kim
Kardashian's ass is normal-sized.

(Get it?)


*I mean, I was born in 1977, but since I wasn’t a very culturally savvy two-year-old, I consider myself a child of the eighties.

Monday, April 29, 2013

constraint-based living

"The kind of woman willing to wait
is not the kind you want to find waiting."
Recently I was introduced to this group and this prompt, which provided a nice distraction from the current clunky-ness of my YA novel. When I was in college, it dawned on me that some of my favorite musicals (Rent, Sunday in the Park with George) featured male artists and female muses. The women were portrayed as human and whole, but it still bugged me.

Last week an artist I like asked me to pose for some photos, something that never happened back when I was neither particularly gorgeous nor all Diane Arbus-y. So I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a non-passive muse (this artist sees the process as collaborative, which I like). I think it relates to the dilemma of being a patient—how to be a recipient, how to receive things you wouldn’t choose, how to be active anyway? How to be the painting that that stares down the viewer with the painter’s help?

I’m pretty sure it’s easy to give lip service, hard to enact. So this little freewrite was a first step toward wrestling with that question. It’s probably appropriate that it’s full of constraints—it’s hard to get your point across when your options are limited. And that is kind of the point.

The Muse Eyes

She never wanted to be a muse, but here she stands in a fig leaf of navy blue cloth and a pool of window light. The painter is a woman, a friend of a friend, named May, who swears liberally in a porny purr. Make me light, the muse thinks. Give me eyes. Worries her fig leaf area is not porny enough.

Former muses watch from the wall. Some of them are dead.

May brushes blue. The muse is in the Navy here, on watch, standing and not dead. She is a former leaf and worrier.

May gives. The dead are paint. The dead are painters and eyes. The walls purr but not think. Death is Not Making. Porn is a wall is not enough. Some may leave. The muse may. May may. May brushes her watch and watches her brushes.

Muses give, thinks the muse. Cloth is enough. The dead are friends. She swears to them, she thought brushes purred for painters! Here, the pool swears, Never them!

The muse wanted to be a painter, but canvas is a wall, death is a wall. Light is not her muse to brush on canvas. It pools liberally, it names her.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

a qualified yay

1. the end of the middle of treatment

In a couple of hours, I’ll have my sixth and last (hopefullyforeverknockonwood) chemo session. Before I started, I told people I was thinking of chemo as my four-month vacation from worrying about getting cancer, and it’s pretty much been that. I’ve used that time to work and read and write and do some fun things; also to bitch about people who’ve let me down and stir up small dramas with my family and friends. Because hey, cancer treatment still blows, just not in an anxiety-producing way.

I also told people who seemed convinced I’d be more sick than I’ve actually been (knockonwood), “Maybe you’re right. Maybe by the end I’ll be so sick of being sick that I’ll trade it in for good physical health and the return of crippling anxiety.”

I’m almost there—it would be nice not to have my feeble exercise routine undermined every three weeks. It would be nice to have hair. And, thanks to Effexor, I’m not totally an anxious mess. I’m just a girl walking down the same path I’ve always been on—because I either have an unshakable sense of who I am and what I want out of life, or I’m highly uncreative and rut-prone—but now there’s a gaping, burning, Hunger Games-esque hole in the middle of it, and I have to go the long way. And I don’t walk in the same way. I skip more. I limp more.  

Making my way around the fire. But instead of a bow and arrows, I'll have, um, Tamoxifen.
Cancer treatment isn’t done. I have thirty-three radiation treatments ahead of me. One of my awesome newish cancer friends told me it was nothing—you just lie on a table for ten minutes a day while they beam some crazy shit at you. Another newer cancer friend told me radiation was the hardest part for her because she already felt so beat up from all the other treatment.

Me, I’m almost over having expectations anymore. I’m just glad to have cancer friends who feel like regular friends—smart, cool ladies who seem like people I’d want to be. Who have wisdom and hair.

Then there will be the nixing of the ovaries and the exchanging of weird hard implants for silicone starlet implants. (Side note: one of my students wrote a story starring a girl who’d been coerced into getting breast implants. This story took place in a dystopian future and there was a lot of crazy shit going down, but the implants nevertheless featured prominently in every peer critique. BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE OBSESSED WITH BOOBS, AND FAKE ONES ARE SHORTHAND, perhaps incorrectly, FOR SO MUCH.)

2. dykes on bikes on vacation

Anyway. I actually meant to write about the super lovely bike ride AK and I took earlier this week. For my birthday, she got our bikes fixed. They’d been in our garage for like a year, accumulating a patina of spiders and the funny little tumbleweed things that blow beneath the garage door. I was excited in a mostly theoretical way. Did I even know how to ride a bike anymore?

Of course I did. Because riding a bike is like riding a bike. We pedaled down the new bike path on York, and I was suddenly grateful for all those hardcore cycler lobbyist types who seem all self-righteous and born-again when I’m in my car. They got me this bike path! Thanks, activists, for doing what I’m too lazy to do!

AK was often blocks ahead of me, because she’s in kind of amazing shape right now, and I have strange hurty chemo quads. I’d get to the end of a street and see her waiting with an encouraging smile on her face.

We stopped at Buster’s in South Pasadena for coffee and Homeboy Bakery bread and the conversation that we’re too tired to have on so many busy weeknights.

In South Pasadena, everything is actually in watercolor. There are cotton candy clouds and good public schools.
“I feel like we’re on vacation,” AK said. “Like we rented bikes and stopped at this little café.”

“Me too! As soon as we got into South Pas, I felt it.”

Highland Park’s hipster corridor peters out somewhere around Avenue 53, and there’s a long stretch of muffler shops, discount T-shirt warehouses and convalescent homes. I’ve gotten some good shit at that 99 Cents store and eaten fine burritos at the Estrella #3 taco truck, but it doesn’t feel like vacation, you know? Then you cross the arroyo and it’s all charming cupcake stores and blooms of farmer’s market.

Then I had to go to work, so we got on our bikes and headed back toward the land of gum-stuck sidewalks. It was an easy ride back, mostly downhill.