Tuesday, January 31, 2006

george “mr. lonelyhearts” bush

I didn’t listen to too much of the State of the Union address for a variety of reasons: I was on my way to class, I cringe at the sound of Bush’s voice and I have one of those MTV-generation attention spans you hear so much about. But I was lucky enough to catch the part where Bush said we need to do something about young people who “need direction in love.”

I’m pretty sure he was alluding to how God hates fags, but I like to think that he’s turning over a new leaf and will personally provide relationship advice to the nation’s youth, a la KROQ’s LoveLine. (And really, Bush is not significantly more conservative than Dr. Drew, who, sure, advocates the morning-after pill, but also thinks that anyone who ever twirled a pair of handcuffs during sex must have been molested and should seek therapy immediately.)

I like to picture a grandfatherly Bush telling wide-eyed, lovelorn youngsters, “You know, there was a time when I too thought they were writing songs of love but not for me. I thought that partly because I was all coked up. But also because I just hadn’t met a certain lovely young librarian yet. Laura. Laura was that librarian. So get out there, join some clubs—I’m fond of the Good Ol’ Boys Network myself—and meet new people. But most of all, be yourself. Do you really want to date someone who doesn’t love you for who you are? That’s what I thought.”

When I arrived at class, he was just getting to the part about how we should foster scientific development, but we shouldn’t genetically engineer crazy half-man, half-beast clones. I’m so glad he’s on the case. The Goat Boys in this country are really getting out of control. And I have this bizarre urge to date one. I sure could use some direction in love.


erin said...

oh. no. i can't bear to listen to mr lonelyhearts for more than a millisecond, so i didn't hear about his love lesson. (maybe it was inspired by that guy at the university of kansas... or wherever... who asked him if he'd seen brokeback mountain.) was it greeted by annoyingly thunderous applause (from the republican half of the room)? i hate that. it makes the damn thing three times longer than it otherwise would be (and really- it's long enough already.) oh and his suggestion that we encourage scientific development when he's repeatedly failed to support funding to basic research is enough to make me think he really just hates me. he hates the gays, he hates the scientists, he hates the atheists... and he probably hates the knitters.

Tracy Lynn said...

I can't listne to mr lonelyhearts because his voice strikes a note that only I can hear that makes my head explode.
Excellent post, C.

Cheryl said...

I do think he has it in for knitters. I guess he's more of a needlepoint guy. I sure wish we could quit him. Hopefully 2008 will be the year we take back our exploding heads.

jenny said...

Can you imagine how he feels about all the gay scientists who knit rainbow scarves instead of going to church? I can't even think about it.

thelastnoel said...

I saw a goat boy just last week. He seemed like a nice guy.

Cheryl said...

Or what about goat boys who knit rainbow scarves? Bush would be unhappy, but I think the scarves would sell well.