I didn’t listen to too much of the State of the Union address for a variety of reasons: I was on my way to class, I cringe at the sound of Bush’s voice and I have one of those MTV-generation attention spans you hear so much about. But I was lucky enough to catch the part where Bush said we need to do something about young people who “need direction in love.”
I’m pretty sure he was alluding to how God hates fags, but I like to think that he’s turning over a new leaf and will personally provide relationship advice to the nation’s youth, a la KROQ’s LoveLine. (And really, Bush is not significantly more conservative than Dr. Drew, who, sure, advocates the morning-after pill, but also thinks that anyone who ever twirled a pair of handcuffs during sex must have been molested and should seek therapy immediately.)
I like to picture a grandfatherly Bush telling wide-eyed, lovelorn youngsters, “You know, there was a time when I too thought they were writing songs of love but not for me. I thought that partly because I was all coked up. But also because I just hadn’t met a certain lovely young librarian yet. Laura. Laura was that librarian. So get out there, join some clubs—I’m fond of the Good Ol’ Boys Network myself—and meet new people. But most of all, be yourself. Do you really want to date someone who doesn’t love you for who you are? That’s what I thought.”
When I arrived at class, he was just getting to the part about how we should foster scientific development, but we shouldn’t genetically engineer crazy half-man, half-beast clones. I’m so glad he’s on the case. The Goat Boys in this country are really getting out of control. And I have this bizarre urge to date one. I sure could use some direction in love.