things i suspect are in cher’s contract, based on the movie burlesque

1. Cher will receive top billing.
2. Cher will sing no less than two solos.
3. But also, Cher does not want to work too hard, so she will sing no more than two solos. She will get to sit in a chair for one of them.
4. Cher does not do duets.
5. At no point will Cher stand in direct light. Even if the actor playing the role of lighting tech says, “Do you want a spot?” and Cher, as burlesque diva Tess, says, “Yeah,” the lighting which ensues will be of a silvery twilight nature.
6. Cher’s eye make-up will get its own trailer and a producer credit.
   
7. Stanley Tucci, as gay wardrobe director Sean, will periodically comment on the hotness of Cher’s body.
8. All art and acting direction will serve the film’s, and Cher’s, overarching brand, which is “fabulosity.” If minimum fabulosity requirements are not met, the following measures must be taken: a) Scenes will revolve around Christian Louboutin shoes. b) References to drag queens will be made as “inside” jokes to Cher’s gay cult following. c) The burlesque club which is threatened with foreclosure may only be saved by an extra fabulous song and dance number, as opposed to some sort of troublingly believable real estate loophole.*
9. Audiences will leave the theater thinking, with no animosity toward Christina Aguilera, Christina Aguilera is no Cher.

*This clause was unfortunately ignored. You will be hearing from Cher’s lawyers.