status updates, how do I hate thee? let me count the ways

“Message boards,” I emailed a friend recently, “are like the worst kind of crack, the kind that skips right over the fun, feeling-like-superman high and goes straight to back-alley addiction.”

Facebook isn’t quite that bad. There are times when the high is good, or at least it serves as the 21^st century equivalent of a cigarette break at work. Then there are days like today, when two thirds of all status updates fill me with hate, annoyance or just a general lack of faith in the human race.

Here are some categories that I would advise people to avoid, except I won’t, because then where would I direct my hate?

1. The bragging while pretending not to post: “This Oscar totally tore a hole in my Marc Jacobs purse! Boo!” “So sick of people recruiting my baby to be in commercials.” “Anyone know of a good vegan restaurant in St. Tropez? Post soon, ‘cause I’m only here for three weeks.”

2. The uber-wholesome post: “Organic free-range zucchini from our garden—gonna taste great grilled with a smidge of cheese from our goat Prudy!” “Nothing caps a good long run like a nice long yoga class.”

3. The post that reminds us you have endless leisure time: “Slept till noon, lattes with Marjorie at the Alcove—where does the day go?” “Finally made it through all the Real Housewives on my DVR. Whew!” “Wondering whether it’s too soon to paint the kitchen again….”

4. The post that reminds us your job is VERY important and time-consuming: “So sorry to miss Jen’s wedding, but politics waits for no one.” “I envy all you peeps on unemployment!”

5. The globally shaming post: “150,000 people died in Swaziland JUST NOW.” “Every time you forget your reusable coffee mug, a penguin dies.” “Afghanistan. Nuff said.”

6. The post that mistakes fucking around online for activism: “Repost this picture of a Care Bear if you want to prevent child molestation!” “In 1994, a woman named Clarissa O’Malley died of a rare genetic disorder called Seybourne-Valdez Syndrome. 93% of people won’t repost this.”

7. The post that assumes some sort of FB rule about having to post every hour whether you have anything to say or not. “Subway meatball sandwich…mmm….” “Just did five push-ups.” “TGIF, y’all!”

8. The picture which prompts all your friends to remind you how good-looking you are (this is okay if you are not actually all that good-looking).

9. The post that’s not so much a post but a love note that should be shared in the privacy of one’s email inbox: “Jeremy is the sweetest! Breakfast in bed again?!” “OMG, check out this ROCK! I do, Brandon, I DO!”

10. The cryptic post that prompts confused, concerned comments: “Wondering why.” “Watching the sun hit my scars….” “Just got some great news I totally can’t share!”

11. The marketing post in a long thread of marketing posts: “Reading tonight at Book Soup at 7 p.m.!” “Just got a new shipment of goji berry tea. Visit my website to order.” “Vote for my video to win TNT’s Short Films About Bodily Functions contest!”

Now that I’ve pretty much alienated all 424 of my Facebook friends (that is, the ones who haven’t already hidden me because they got sick of me inviting them to my readings), I’m seeing a pattern here. I get angsty about any post that makes me feel mildly inadequate, which is every post, because lately I’m in the self-centered place that only a deep sense of inadequacy can bring about. So basically I’m accusing you of being all about you because it’s all about me.

So carry on. I’m dying to know what you had for lunch. And I kind of actually mean that.