light reading, heavy heart

I always knew that InStyle was a little bit evil, but as such, it’s packed with temptation in the form of “satin eye masks with beaded trim…$25 each” and “18kt-gold-plated candlestick with sapphires and labradorites, $420.” You know, shiny stuff.

But there’s nothing worse to read after your girlfriend of four and a half years breaks up with you (yeah, that’s what’s up, in case my abstractly angsty posts haven’t given me away). Especially the celebrity profiles, because InStyle has this amazing ability to make even the most miserable, strung-out, tabloid-whore celebrities sound exuberant and wise.

I really should have known better than to open to this month’s Gwyneth Paltrow profile in my current state. But there I was this morning, groggy and vulnerable, reading: “Why is this woman smiling? Is it because Gwyneth Paltrow a) married a rock star; b) has an adorable daughter; or c) loves her job? Answer: all of the above.”

The good news is, my InStyle subscription will run out soon and no longer be able to rub my nose in my non-Gwyneth-ness. Actually, both my subs will run out soon. I get two issues a month because B added on a gift subscription for me for Christmas last year, and the circulation folks screwed things up. I was supposed to call and have them make the two subs back to back, but I never got around to it, and each month, B would get annoyed at me. To her credit, it was nice that she indulged such a guilty pleasure of mine, since light reading for her is The Economist. But now I can just let my duplicate issues stack up until InStyle runs its evil course.

Ha! How’s that for a vengeful ex-girlfriend act? (Hey, I’m new at this, okay?)

In the meantime, here’s a short, full-of-crap InStyle-style profile I made up to make myself feel better:

Looking artsy-casual in jeans, a butterfly-print thermal and a yellow top, Cheryl walks into Quiznos, disarming the interviewer with her 100-watt smile and notorious punctuality. Quiznos, you say? Sure, she could have picked the Ivy or Chateau Marmont, but Cheryl loves people-watching and toasted veggie sandwiches.

It’s been a year of ups and downs for the 28-year-old budding novelist, what with the publication of her first book and her much-publicized breakup with elusive public sector superstar B.

“One minute you’re planning to be bridezillas and raise fucked-up kids together, the next you’re on your own, shopping for the nicest crack house money can rent,” she says philosophically. There is an adorable smear of avocado on her chin.

So what exciting products does Cheryl rely on to fuel her dynamic and enviable life? Besides the obvious—spa treatments, things coated in Swarovski crystals—she is also a firm believer in the powers of 7-Eleven coffee, black Wet and Wild nail polish and spending hours clicking “next blog” rather than reading actual books. Sure, that last one isn’t a product so much as an activity, but if anyone could make it into a product, it would be Cheryl. With a little help from InStyle.