The tight-shirt-wearing, volleyball-playing Joel Gould and his hygienist, who was of course named Heidi, confirmed what I always hear when I go to the dentist, which is that I have great teeth and crappy gums. My teeth are totally cavity-free—too bad they’re practically falling out of my head because my thin, frail gums don’t want to hold them in.
“Did we already recommend the Sonicare toothbrush to you?” Heidi asked.
“Um, yeah,” I said, vaguely recalling a flyer that got stuffed in the bottom of my purse after my last visit. “To be honest, I thought about it and then…I just didn’t get it.”
“It will help a lot toward keeping your gums in good shape.”
So I am now the proud/reluctant owner of a $100 toothbrush, my rationale being that gum surgery (which I already had to have once) is about $1,000. I can’t really afford a $100 toothbrush any more than I can afford to see the dentist three times a year, as Heidi also recommended. (I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I wasn’t even currently making it twice a year. More like every 10 months.)
I have a theory that it is much more expensive to be poor than to be rich. I espouse this theory (which, okay, is probably really some economist or activist’s theory, and not really that original) every time my dad encourages me to go to Costco: “I live in a tiny apartment. While I might be able to afford to buy 80 rolls of toilet paper at a time, I can’t afford to live in the sort of place where I can store 80 rolls of toilet paper. There is room under my sink for exactly four rolls.” I leave out the part about how my tiny apartment manages to store 27 tank tops, a healthy collection of books and at least one My Little Pony.
But I still think my theory explains why the store across the street from me does good business selling single beers and lone tomatoes. And I heard that in the
Heidi informed me that the best place to get replacement brush heads for my Sonicare was Costco.
Dr. Gould informed me that he eats a lot of chocolate and flosses four times a day. Actually, he mentioned the four-times-a-day thing twice, so he’s pretty passionate about it. I’m sure he buys floss by the mile at Costco.