for my own protection

I’m all for the paperless office, and for identity theft protection, but these online security questions are way too complicated, especially for those of us who have trouble providing a one-word answer to anything:

What is your spouse’s nickname?

I’m not married, and I call AK “AK.”

Where did you go on your honeymoon?

Um, still not married.

What was the last name of your first girlfriend/boyfriend?

Okay, that’s easy: “Ko.”

Error: Answers must be at least four letters long.

Fuck you. Some people are Korean.

What was the name of your first roommate in college?

Amber, but I’m so not going to be reminded of that girl every time I want to check my Visa balance. Next question, please.

Who was your arch rival when you were growing up?

Hillary, this girl who made it into advanced gymnastics a whole year before me and went on to be bitchy to me on our high school cheerleading squad, but I’m not sure she knew she was my rival. I’m pretty sure I was a completely unthreatening blip to her. Does a one-sided rivalry count? Also, see previous answer.

Who is your favorite athlete?

Nadia Comaneci, but I have to look up how to spell her name every time I type it. Next question please.

If you needed a new first name, what would it be?

We’re getting kind of existential, aren’t we? If you’d asked me when I was five, I would have said, “Anastasia.” More recently, when I’ve needed an alias, I’ve gone with Samantha Netherby, the name of a character in a novel I only wrote three chapters of. But if I actually really needed a new first name…can you clarify what happened to me? Am I in the witness protection program? Because then I’ll want to pick a name that’s totally untraceable, even to partially written grad school novels. I’ll want to pick a name I may not even like, and it probably won’t be one that will pop into my head readily when I log onto Visa.com.

What is the name of your favorite novel?

Do you know who you’re asking? No, I guess you don’t. Hello, I can’t pick just one. Song of Solomon is an all-time favorite that profoundly shaped my adult reading and writing life, but it’s been a while since I read it, and if I read it now, side by side with, say, Middlesex or The Hours or The Poisonwood Bible I’m not sure I would still declare it my favorite.

Who is your favorite musical group?

I’m a singer-songwriter kind of girl at heart. There are lots of bands I like—Spoon and Rilo Kiley and R.E.M.—but I don’t have the passion for them that I have for Rufus Wainwright and Dar Williams and Fiona Apple, none of whom would be valid answers to this question. I guess “the soundtrack to Rent” is also not acceptable, huh?

Which foreign country would you like to visit?

Oh good lord, there are like 72. But fine, fine. Spain. Okay? Spain.