nothing is certain except details and taxes

In my perpetual attempt to Be A Good Citizen, I did my taxes today. And by “did my taxes,” I mean, “sat in the waiting room reading Details Magazine and watching CNN while Erick Caro, licensed tax preparer, did my taxes.”

The top story of the day was a 33-year-old female teacher* who had sex with one of her male students. The newscaster shook his head and talked about how speechless he was. Then he read emails from insightful viewers who said things like, “What is the world coming to? Can we even send our kids to school anymore?”

And not to discount the teacher’s seriously bad behavior, but I kind of thought the world was coming to the exact same place it’s always been. Judging by the incredibly bored looks on the faces of my fellow Good Citizens in the waiting room, they agreed. I can think of at least two girls from my high school who (allegedly) slept with teachers. Teachers: bad. Students: victims, but probably not innocent ones. Sixteen-year-olds aren’t eight-year-olds, you know?

Here’s what else I learned, from Details:

• A small-town Oregon mayor named Stu got breast implants and wears lipstic, but everyone’s cool with it.
• Some guy is living off the grid in a cave in Utah. Not participating in capitalism makes you stinky.
• Hayden Panetierre is hot. And I don’t say that in a 33-year-old teacher kind of way. I just mean that Details makes it very, very clear that, if you consider yourself a red-blooded American male, you do not have the option of thinking otherwise.

*Okay, I wrote this whole post thinking the kid was in high school. It turns out he was a 14-year-old middle schooler. Even though Juliette was 14, I'm willing to side a little more with the what’s-the-world-coming-to camp. But whatever. I'm still hitting “publish post.”