Friday, February 26, 2016

trump: making schwarzenegger seem like the good old days when we made smart decisions

Scene: Int. car, night. CHERYL is driving. AK is in the passenger seat; her phone emits a white glow. In the back seat, DASH sleeps.

AK: I read an article--where did it go? I can't seem to find it now. Anyway, it said that there's this statistical model that has accurately predicted every election except for 1960, which some people thought was rigged. And it's saying there's a 99 percent chance Trump is going to be elected. I don't know if that's true, but for the first time I feel really scared.

CHERYL: Yeah, I just felt a sinking feeling in my stomach when you said that. Is it Nate Silver?

AK: No, it's a statistical model. Supposedly Nate Silver has been wrong about a bunch of things lately.

CHERYL: I feel like if the model were that accurate we would have heard about it. We'd just predict every election that way. But yeah, I get your point. 

How about corn for president? I could get behind corn.
AK: Sometimes I think, "So what, it's just a figurehead position, it doesn't really matter." And then I remember how Schwarzenegger ruined California, and how nice it was when we got a real governor in.

CHERYL: Trump is like Schwarzenegger in the way that they're both celebrity jokes that went too far. But Schwarzenegger wasn't full of rabid hate, and that's a big difference. 

AK: It's like what I read about happening in South American countries sometimes where, like, the people just decide to elect their favorite salsa dancer or something.

CHERYL: Fine, let's elect our favorite salsa dancer instead of Trump. Anyone instead of Trump! How about Grumpy Cat? Grumpy Cat is an American citizen.

AK: The thing is, the salsa dancers end up being, like, evil crackpot dictators. That's who we would be electing with Trump. This is what happens to countries in decline.

CHERYL: America is in decline.

AK: Well, our economy's strong. At this moment. But yeah, overall we're in decline.

CHERYL: I feel really depressed now. 

Okay, but seriously, can we elect Elsa?
Car parks. Family goes inside and gets in bed. AK puts on video about gun violence. Then video of a lip synch battle starring Channing Tatum singing "Let it Go" in Frozen drag.

AK: You know what, Donald? The cold never bothered me anyway.

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